your memories, my future, our time?

im bored with everything. eveything in my life, everything i do, everything i hear. im just so tired. tired of trying. tired of this pressure and this feeling of failure. .....

Summers coming you know.. but im not that excited?
I can't believe myself...ive got to that age i feared more than anything..where i was no longer excited by summer and i cared more about what other people thought of me then I even did.
Im always confused and im always trying to understand which ends up putting me in a bigger mess. Trying to control my mind, an impossible task.

I have this habbit where i always think about the past- good things or amazing times or at least i thought. Then i get really annoyed with myself when i catch myself daydreaming of the past or future, the what could be's or should have beens. I try so hard to get myself to live in the moment and day by day but that never excites me anymore. All i have are my memories and thoughts of new beginning. Living itself feels like nothing. no excitment no true joy for me. But i hate that feeling like all was wonderful in my past or daydreams. i dont understand how memories can make you feel so powerful so loved so many different emotions by yet.......come back to present time. NOW. this second.......i feel nothing.



will i look back and think ohh how ungrateful i was in high school or how easy i had it? but thats overall. i will never really actually remember this exact day. this moment when i tried to explain these thoughts to you. It will become just another filth. a nothing in my mind.

inferior?

I've realized something finally. our timeless friendship is now becoming a struggle to keep up with. I look back and i remember how we never used to fight....now we fight constantly. everyday everyweek all the time. you since have all the qualities i love about you...but somethings different? do you not care about me anymore? am i not worth your time? djkslafklasdfhasdjkfhdskhfjksdhfasjkdhflsdkjfabvmfghfghhgdfbncvghdfhgdghcfhiowerusmdhfnajksdfhaslkdh

and nobody cares so this is pointless///time to move on

so what are you waiting for?

All your hopes and all your dreams are what make your life worth living. But all the time in between now and your goals is just killing time? why do we always live our lives like this..we dont try to, its almost as if its how we were raised. Always told to follow our dreams and reach our goals but why were we never reminded to live for the moment when were kids? Making us look forward to our futures made us always live like were in a dentists office waiting..waiting for something big, better, new.

uhhh

Its late. i dont know what to do with myself. i cant sleep. i cant move. i feel completely Worthless. I watch as time flies by.

And we could pretend that all the time.....

When im done reading a book ive been reading for about an hour or so its always the same annoying feeling...like theres now a book going on in my head. It continuly repeats everything i do and think over and over. Like she walks slowly down the hall. I just wanna say shut up you stupid voice in my head..who are you anyways? It bothers me like i just read a book i am now part of. The awkward child being made fun of in my book now feels like its me and i become shy or uncomfortable. I see things a little differently for awhile after im done reading like looking through a looking glass and everything seems like another universe. I consult and talk to myself almost the rest of that day after and i feel like a freak. When im done being quiet and so drawn into my book everything seems so loud and fast in the actually world. I become very spaced out and amused with my own ideas rushing through my mind. Reading is almost like a natural high to me.

its like reality....only better.

I have the craziest dreams sometimes. They make zero sense and i forget them instently, but sometimes there's dreams where they make me wish things were like that in reality. I dream about things i just heard or learned the day before and it gets twisted in my dreams. I learned about these things old people have to have sometimes if they cant poop. they have this hole cut in their stomachs and a bag is attached to it. It smells horrible and its terrible to think about butin my dream my parents had them and were mentally ill too. It scared me to think that someday that could be my parents....or even me?

whats your accomplishments?

I went to the Y the other day and everything looked the same. Nothings changed. But there was something different i did notice, it was a picture of my grandfather. A huge picture in the hall i never noticed before. I think it was a picture taken at a golfing event for the Y a few years ago. It made me realize how much he's really accomplished. My grandpa's been to africa and lived there for a few years. He's done so much even in our community. His accomplishments rage from anything to helping in africa to helping build bird houses with kids. If youve ever met my grandpa he's not very normal. He's loud, outspoken, odd, and offers to build or fix anything you have. My grandpa's favorite thing to do is build things. anything. If he hasnt made it yet he probably wants to in the future. He's made 3 bikes so far and two of them hold two people at a time and the third one the places where you pedal are higher up so your seat is lower. He makes swings, household things, boats, doll houses, and pretty much anything i think. And to top if off he just bought a sailboat and came over and showed it to me yesterday. I look up to my spontaneous crazy grandfather alot.

..so sleepwalk with me. if we try we can find something real out of make believe

Its okay i can handle it now. I used to be afraid of that drifting away feeling you get when you grow apart from friends. Its useless i found out, to be so consumed by your friends that your afraid youll lose them by doing nothing at all? If thats all it takes to lose a friend..i can do it very well. I always think my friends thoughts are the same as mine but they never are. I dont realize when we grow apart or when were in a fight even half the time. I just always thought we're friends we'll always be there for eachother. no extras no special anythings. that was the bottom line you need me im there. But when drifting comes you never really have that same feeling between your friends anymore and you all sorta give up and let it happen. I used to be afraid of that 'drifting'.. it's okay i can handle it now.

Life....**

life is beauty, admire it.

life is bliss, taste it.

life is a dream, realize it.

life is a challenge, meet it.

life is a duty, complete it.

life is a game, play it.

life is a promise, fulfill it.

life is sorrow, overcome it.

life is a song, sing it.

life is a struggle, accept it.

life is a tragedy, confront it.

life is an adventure, dare it.

life is luck, make it.

life is too precious, do not destroy it.

life is life, fight for it.

sometimes i wonder..

you come home. everything is the same. nothings ever different. you re arrange things but still nothing changes. why do we try so hard sometimes to change our surroundings? do they bring back bad memories? are we just bored with our lives? this 'roller coaster' of my life is very dull right now and re arranging my room doesnt do much ha. wheres the excitement? wheres the fun in being young? because it only seems stressful to me to be young.

bullying..

im completely obsessed with this thought of school bullying. it scares me and makes me cringe whenever i read the stuff going on to this girl in my book. kids hold her down and beat her, they put lit cigerettes on her wrists and burn her because she had ratted some of their friends out for bullying her which only made her get more hurt.....it was extremely hard to relate to when i started to it

One of the boys on the Northwest's football team saw me as I was making my way to the front entrance to wait for my mom. I heard something and looked back over my shoulder. Fifteen football players were behind me. "Maybe they're just going to their lockers," I reasoned to myself. I picked up my pace. So did they. Then, I was being chased down the hall. I bolted out the door, thinking my mom would be there. She wasn't. Four of the boys restained me, two of them forced open my jaw, and others began shoving fistfuls of snow into my mouth. I couldn't breathe. I flailed my arms furiously, trying to fend them off. They were laughing so hard that they didn't hear me choking for air. I couldn't speak to let them know they had gone too far. Finally, Jim yelled, "Hey, you guys, I think she's gagging!" With that released me and ran off.

That's from the book im reading called Please stop laughing at me. It's about school bullying and a lot of the events in it seem almost unreal thats how bad it is. In our school i dont really notice bullying like that going on. I think in our school its very strict so the only bullying going on in school is just verbal most of the time. I dont really have time to write more so ill write about this later.

im sick yo!

Im..sick.

im sick of school

im sick of WINTERRRRR

im sick of dance...im sick of dance practice

im sick of volleyball

im sick of lynzie talking to me in my ear.

hello where are you summer?

constantly wondering when school ends? i am. everyday. when i see this snow all i can think about is summer and how far away it is. school and sports just get to stressful and out of control trying to balance both of them. you go to school then practice then another well for me cause of two winter sports and then by the time your home...your to tired to even look at your homework. i know some of our teachers must think we have nothing else to do and dont realize we actually do have a life outside of school and try to have other accomplishments like for fun and NOT school and work and thinking about college all the time.

but we were wild and crazy

I think its so strange how our feelings can change so fast. our opinion our views....completely everything we think and have feelings about can change and i dont understand how. How is it that once you felt like you hated someone but now you couldnt hate them at all? How is it that we get this rush when we chase something and we think its everything we want when in reality...you get it and its nothing you wanted. you just realized you did it only for that exciting feeling of the chase? i hate how our emotions can control us so much. i wish we could just control our emotions.