your memories, my future, our time?

im bored with everything. eveything in my life, everything i do, everything i hear. im just so tired. tired of trying. tired of this pressure and this feeling of failure. .....

Summers coming you know.. but im not that excited?
I can't believe myself...ive got to that age i feared more than anything..where i was no longer excited by summer and i cared more about what other people thought of me then I even did.
Im always confused and im always trying to understand which ends up putting me in a bigger mess. Trying to control my mind, an impossible task.

I have this habbit where i always think about the past- good things or amazing times or at least i thought. Then i get really annoyed with myself when i catch myself daydreaming of the past or future, the what could be's or should have beens. I try so hard to get myself to live in the moment and day by day but that never excites me anymore. All i have are my memories and thoughts of new beginning. Living itself feels like nothing. no excitment no true joy for me. But i hate that feeling like all was wonderful in my past or daydreams. i dont understand how memories can make you feel so powerful so loved so many different emotions by yet.......come back to present time. NOW. this second.......i feel nothing.



will i look back and think ohh how ungrateful i was in high school or how easy i had it? but thats overall. i will never really actually remember this exact day. this moment when i tried to explain these thoughts to you. It will become just another filth. a nothing in my mind.

inferior?

I've realized something finally. our timeless friendship is now becoming a struggle to keep up with. I look back and i remember how we never used to fight....now we fight constantly. everyday everyweek all the time. you since have all the qualities i love about you...but somethings different? do you not care about me anymore? am i not worth your time? djkslafklasdfhasdjkfhdskhfjksdhfasjkdhflsdkjfabvmfghfghhgdfbncvghdfhgdghcfhiowerusmdhfnajksdfhaslkdh

and nobody cares so this is pointless///time to move on

so what are you waiting for?

All your hopes and all your dreams are what make your life worth living. But all the time in between now and your goals is just killing time? why do we always live our lives like this..we dont try to, its almost as if its how we were raised. Always told to follow our dreams and reach our goals but why were we never reminded to live for the moment when were kids? Making us look forward to our futures made us always live like were in a dentists office waiting..waiting for something big, better, new.

uhhh

Its late. i dont know what to do with myself. i cant sleep. i cant move. i feel completely Worthless. I watch as time flies by.

And we could pretend that all the time.....

When im done reading a book ive been reading for about an hour or so its always the same annoying feeling...like theres now a book going on in my head. It continuly repeats everything i do and think over and over. Like she walks slowly down the hall. I just wanna say shut up you stupid voice in my head..who are you anyways? It bothers me like i just read a book i am now part of. The awkward child being made fun of in my book now feels like its me and i become shy or uncomfortable. I see things a little differently for awhile after im done reading like looking through a looking glass and everything seems like another universe. I consult and talk to myself almost the rest of that day after and i feel like a freak. When im done being quiet and so drawn into my book everything seems so loud and fast in the actually world. I become very spaced out and amused with my own ideas rushing through my mind. Reading is almost like a natural high to me.

its like reality....only better.

I have the craziest dreams sometimes. They make zero sense and i forget them instently, but sometimes there's dreams where they make me wish things were like that in reality. I dream about things i just heard or learned the day before and it gets twisted in my dreams. I learned about these things old people have to have sometimes if they cant poop. they have this hole cut in their stomachs and a bag is attached to it. It smells horrible and its terrible to think about butin my dream my parents had them and were mentally ill too. It scared me to think that someday that could be my parents....or even me?

whats your accomplishments?

I went to the Y the other day and everything looked the same. Nothings changed. But there was something different i did notice, it was a picture of my grandfather. A huge picture in the hall i never noticed before. I think it was a picture taken at a golfing event for the Y a few years ago. It made me realize how much he's really accomplished. My grandpa's been to africa and lived there for a few years. He's done so much even in our community. His accomplishments rage from anything to helping in africa to helping build bird houses with kids. If youve ever met my grandpa he's not very normal. He's loud, outspoken, odd, and offers to build or fix anything you have. My grandpa's favorite thing to do is build things. anything. If he hasnt made it yet he probably wants to in the future. He's made 3 bikes so far and two of them hold two people at a time and the third one the places where you pedal are higher up so your seat is lower. He makes swings, household things, boats, doll houses, and pretty much anything i think. And to top if off he just bought a sailboat and came over and showed it to me yesterday. I look up to my spontaneous crazy grandfather alot.