I still dont know where to begin

I'm staring blankly at them wishing i could just yell shut up, you dont know what your talking about. You dont understand and i cant make you or show you. Its a piece of me that i cant explain and when others try to I get extremely frustrated. Im not an open person I already know but even if i wasnt i dont think youd believe or understand me still. Maybe i choose to not let you understand. I tend to do the easier thing most of the time and not talking about simply things even, id rather not converse with. why? I am fully convinced i sound dumb and idiotic when i begin to tell someone something. I get 'woooow rachel' alot from my friends so why would i want to tell those same people something personal when they could give me that same reaction and make me feel worse about that situation. Im hard on myself and sometimes it shows. I dont need people nagging me to be an open book for them.

First Impressions~

They really dont matter. They're always wrong. Your first impression of someone....means absolutly nothing because you dont actually know them yet. I think the only way you can actually judge someone is after you've known them. Me and abby were talking about this last night and everyone always says how abby's extremely quiet. She's NOT okay at all, she's just a shy person by nature around people she doesnt know well or feel comfortable around. Abby is definitely one of the most wild and out spoken people i know but if i tell that to the people who dont know her they wont believe me at all because of that first impression she gives off and thats crap to judge people on that. Im weird i know but there is actually more to me than that, but it doesnt matter because thats the first impression i give off and thats what most people will end up judging me on.

You are my angel, dancing angel

Impulse. anyone remember them? i just found my cd with all their songs on it and all i could think about was 6th grade. They came to the middle school i remember and we got to leave sibley and go over to watch them sing. They didnt use any instruments, all they did was sing and one guy made beats with his mouth to sound like a drum. I think about it now and 6th grade was like our senior year of the elementary school, we all thought we were top dog and so cool. Its funny how as soon as we got to the middle school how fast that all changed. Sixth grade....i remember i hated ariel and she was always so mean to me. I was jealous of abby even though i barely knew her then other than from dance but she always dated all the cute boys back then. Shelby,brooklyn, and maddi were my best friends and we always got into dumb fights that we made such a big out of everytime. I used BFF and Lylas to sign notes i wrote. NOTES!! strange time before cellphones...msn was the cool thing and that was the plans most friday nights was to go on there haaaaa. Brooklyn back then was obsessed with puppies and dogs, maddi was obsessed with green day, and shelby was sooo obsessed with Spongebob. I was a very weird and odd kid then and i wont even begin to explain those days. im glad we all grew out of that awkward stage but its still fun to look back and remember how things used to be.

Im better near to you

Did you know your always on my mind? Its a strange thing i know. You're terribly close but untouchable. When you walk into a room you dont realize how much you make that room light up. You and i have something different and im enjoying it cautiously. Its getting so much more difficult every time i see you but what else can i do, i cant say anything because im afraid..of what youll say, or what will happen..or wont happen. Id rather have you from a distance then not at all. This attachment im getting to you could end up being my downfall. But you still give me this sense of false hope.

You found the one thing i cant do for you

I like trying to plan out my future whether its close or not to what actually happens. Sometimes i wish my actions could be as big as my thoughts or ideas i have. Why cant i ever seem to be as confident as i want to be or try to be? Why is it when the people i try to impress the most barely even see or notice me? I think im always chasing things i cant have or wont work. I dont understand why i do..maybe i think i can change something or itll be different. im not quite sure where i was going with that but its difficult wanting something you know you have to keep your distance from and cant do anything about it. Which makes me think about my future like i started with..what if i could get it and everything could fall into place. i guess it all takes time, im just afraid that time will come and pass and that opportunity will be gone before i even get to try

winter so soon?............

I was in missouri over the weekend for my cousins wedding and it was like going back in time..the tress hadnt changed colors yet and it felt like it barely was fall. It was about a 20 degree difference from here. I came back tonight and its so windy and SNOW!!!!!! last year it didnt snow until a few days before christmas and now it came too soon this year!!
My cousins is a little odd and he had a Star Trek wedding cake haha but it was pretty original. They had an amazing singer that sang during their wedding God Bless The Broken Road. Its weird to think October 27th last year was when my sister got married..its already been a year. Weddings are so fun and cute, there needs to be more of them.

Preggo!!

Its crazy how time flys by whether you want it to or not it keeps going. My sisters pregnant and i think its the most weird thing ever because i can only picture her as the older sister in high school i grew up with...and now shes an adult?! when did this happen. i wish we were alot closer in age rather than 8 years apart.

Im going to be an aunt around June!

BOO!!!

halloweens coming soon!! yessss time to act like a kid again:) even though i act like one most of the time anyways. i love dressing up and getting scared going through the haunted house!! and yummmm tons of candy!!

...then a few days later comes elections:/

whats spanish?

i dont understand it and all its el's and la's. why is it the only language offered at our school now? it isnt even useful really because after high school we wont remember much of what we learned anyways. id rather take french...anything but spanish!!

And you realize its finally over...a new beginning you take on your own

Its over. That big moment you waited for so long, it came and went so fast you barely realize it when its done. I want to say i feel different after getting confirmed but after all the tears and family went away i still felt the same...no big change in heart like i always assumed there would be. I practiced my paper that i wrote and it sounded Nothing like what i read today. I read it differently today, i spoke with confidence and sad tone in my voice because this experience was coming to an end. The scariest part I had been thinking about since i saw them get confirmed last year was reading that paper. It was an amazing feeling when i finished reading that and the only person i looked at when i read it was my sister. Our pastors looked so proud of us, they didnt even need to tell us you could see it in their eyes. Everyone looked their best, all dressed up for our day for God. Looking at Ariel i started crying which led to Kate crying and so on..i hope we do stay close and help each other stay close to God.I stared around my church today to make sure i took in every inch..so when i look back ill have something to remember

Its hard to...

its hard letting go

its hard admitting your wrong

its hard to keep going when all you want to do is quit

its hard to lie to someone you love

its hard to face your fears

its hard when you know you cant change the past

its hard Work to win

its hard to forgive

its hard to reach your goals

its hard to trust

its hard to try to make sense of everything

hard hard hard....nothing seems easy

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.

There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."


"never regret, because at one point it was exactly what you wanted"

Don't let what others think decide who you are.

Be bold and courageous, when you look back on your life, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did.

What appears to be the end is really a new beginning.

quotes ive been thinking about recently..thought they were interesting

living in the past

I live in the past alot. I think about the 'what ifs'. Think about it i mean what we did in the past now defines who we are and where our future is going. I always think about how different things would be...like what if i never met half the people i consider my friends now, would i act differently? How would i view them if id never gotten to know them? I wish i didnt live in the past so much and focus so much of my energy on it and more on my future but its easier for me to see things that have already happened and already know and understand them then to think about the future...something i know nothing about and have no idea what it holds for me. My past led me to where i am today, our memories and achievements are in the past..all we have now are goals. If i could ever actually change something in my past i wonder if i would though? Play it out differently..make it go the way i wanted but i guess i wouldnt because then there'd be no mystery in life and nothing worth living for if we knew everything that was coming. Theres alot going through my head right now about my past and future but i cant really grasp it all and put it into words enough to make sense.


-We do not remember days; we remember moments.

Sister sally:)

i only have one sister and i feel pretty luck to know i got sally..growing up i wanted to be like her, look like her, act like her, basically i kept her on a high pedestal i looked up to her on. i think ive always looked up to my sister for as long as i can remember but if she was your sister you probably would too...she's beautiful, smart, athletic,kind but shes a complete perfectionist. its hard for me because sometimes i feel like im trying to fill her shoes and its impossible. when i was little she was on dance team and all these amazing outfits she got to wear, i was in aww everytime i saw her dance. The loud music made me excited and then she'd come out and id make me so proud i got to be her sister, i wanted to be just like her. She was also in volleyball...a setter. As you can see theres a pattern going on here that im in all the basic things she was in. my sister to me is the most gorgeous person. im amazed at how she's handled these last few years with her husband, its been a roller coaster of a ride for her and it showed me how strong she really was.. and it just gives me another reason why i wanna be like her. i know shes not perfect and shes made mistakes but with all her accomplishments i see; her flaws seem almost invisible to me.

Homecoming!!

It is probably one of my most favorite parts of the whole school year! one week to show off your school spirit and not caring about how dumb you look. All leading up to the big homecoming football game we've been getting all pepped up for. i dont see why we cant do that every week we have a home football game ha. im sure we'd win more games that way. Homecoming king's and queen's..pranks on other grades,on the highschool..senior banquet..makes me so much more excited for when im a senior. everythings great but we lost the game:( and our grad year isnt to cute... 1 1 1 1 1 1 1............ughhhh?

bye bye summer:(

Summer went by absolutely to fast!!! im already missing those late nights and lazy days. i miss terrible tubing experiences that almost killed me. It needs to come back Now. im not ready for summer to be over and school to start. i dont want late nights...that are for homework:/
but schools here anyways and my summer had a pretty good ending to it so oh well.
08-09 sophomore hello:)

busy mind right now

so i have alot on my mind right now...mostly what i have for homework. which is math, these blogs, history, a video i havent had time to do yet for video production and my 500 word paper on what god means to me i need to do for conformation. i also keep thinking about our dance routine that were doing tomorrow at the pepfest so hopefully it goes well! To top it off ive got early volleyball practice tomorrow 630 am baby! im sure ill look and smell great for school then :)
So this paper for church...its suppose to be a huge deal and sum up what god means to us then read it in front of our church. its hard because i dont know exactly what or how to start it. i know what god means to me but having to explain it and how he came into my life isnt easy and i struggle to figure out exactly when that time was.
Me and ariel decided to teach sunday school this year for the 5th grade class....not going so well so far. theyre all extremely obnoxious and rude. They didnt even tell us what to do or teach so we played the name game for about the whole hour. I doubt we would have done this if we were told they were going to be like this:/ 2nd week down rest of the year to go.